There's a door. It says DO NOT OPEN.
Nothing back here jumps out at you or makes a noise.
DO NOT OPEN . Open the first door.
This door is not for you. Nothing behind it concerns you. Please turn around and go back to the hot dog game, which is genuinely quite good.
SERIOUSLY. DO NOT OPEN. . Open the second door.
The first sign was a courtesy.
This one is not a courtesy.
THIS ACCESS ATTEMPT HAS BEEN LOGGED . Open the third door.
It has not been logged.
We don't log anything. We never have. There is a page on this website that says so out loud, and it is a promise, and we are not willing to break a promise just to frighten you a little on a Tuesday.
OKAY. YOU'RE ACTUALLY DOING THIS. . Open the fourth door.
Four doors. Four separate signs, each of which said no, each of which you read and then opened anyway.
At this point we've stopped warning you and started taking notes.
CAN WE ASK YOU SOMETHING . Open the fifth door.
Are you alright?
Not as a bit. Genuinely. It's the middle of a day somewhere and you are five doors deep into a website that has done nothing but tell you to leave, and that's either a really good mood or a really rough one, and we can't tell from here.
Both are allowed. We just wanted to ask.
WE'RE NOT GOING TO STOP YOU . Open the sixth door.
We only wanted you to know that somebody thought about this happening.
Somebody sat down and wrote a sixth door on the specific chance that one person would ever get far enough to read it. That took an afternoon. Nobody was paid. There was no reason to do it except that you might be here, which you are.
LAST ONE. WE MEAN IT THIS TIME. . Open the last door.
Go on then.
That's a dog.
You can go now. Or stay here a minute. The dog isn't in a hurry.